Tobi And The Facts Of Life!
by cyberspyderweb
Summary: Tobi learns about the facts of life, well, almost. He has to find this out the weird and crazy way as usual! Rated M for language, adult themes and for the over use of the word condom in a hilarious story! If the word scares you don't read this! :


Disclaimer: I don't own anything that is in this story except condoms! Just kidding. Um I do. Well Tobi owns condoms too now so go find out how he got them! Well moving on I don't own some of the products mentioned in here too. And some are just made up for fun and my amusement! So read on Tobi lovers read on!

**Challenge for Tobi Lovers!!!!!:** This story took me forever to write and believe me you have no idea how many times I wrote down the word **CONDOM**! Well here's the deal the one of the first ones who can tell me the right amount of times I did write down the word condom , I will write a story about them with the great Tobi! So this includes this one condom, and this one condom, and this one condom! Count everyone on the page. Even the ones on top of this message! So if you win You get your own story and it will be later put into Tobi Tales. The two runner ups will be mentioned in the story! So if you are like one of the first to be reviewing then give me a description to gone on a personality and whatever else. Do it in a review though and if it is you I'll e-mail you. But you have to be registered to Fan And if you don't have your e-mail or message thing on then I will not be able to get a hold of you. And you lose. I will how ever might add the first Ten into the story. Okay I will! I will pick randomly from the reviews well I'll get my sister to pick a number or something. :) If you have any ideas how to pick tell me!

**Tobi And The Facts Of Life!**

Tobi was watching T.V. while playing with his special edition gold pokeball and figures that Deidara made for him well because Deidara blew up the other ones, when an odd commercial came on. It was about condoms and babies and how if you have a condom you will not have a baby. He wondered about that for a moment. Tobi liked babies they were always so small, happy and cute. And babies really liked him too. He wondered if he didn't have a condom would he have baby? Maybe he should get a condom just in case he ended up with one. The rest of the Akatsuki would be mad if he had a baby in the secret hideout. The rest of his group really didn't like much things but they really didn't like babies at all from what he seen. So Tobi having a baby wouldn't be such a good idea. He needed some condoms to make sure he didn't!

Tobi: Hey the rest of my friends don't have babies so they must have condoms! Tobi will go get some from them!

He ran around looking to see if anyone was up yet. At six in the morning no one so far. So he played until he heard someone behind him, it was Deidara up to make his so called coffee. Everyone avoided the pot until the first batch was made. Deidara's morning coffee looked and tasted like motor oil there was enough caffeine in one cup then Starbucks used in one day! (And that's a whole hell of alot!). Tobi ran into the kitchen and saw him start the coffee maker and add like five large scoops of his special brand. "Leaf Ninja Java: Special Roasted Gold Edition XXL." And the commercial went "Kick start your day with the Leaf Ninja coffee or get your ass kicked!!!" He loved the stuff and would kill anyone who touched his special precious coffee. And if you took the first cup! Tobi wanted to talk to Deidara but he knew he wasn't allowed to until he had his first cup of java in his hand. Tobi just stood in one spot and jumped and jogged and danced. Which looked like he was doing the running man while crunking.(I love making him dance!) Deidara watched him as his coffee was being made. He didn't even want to know what he wanted. He did this at least 5 days a week to Deidara so this was normal. Being immune to his dance performance Deidara didn't even acknowledge him until he did have his Super Over sized 7-11 Coffee mug more like coffee jug which almost held all 12 cups of the motor oil coffee. He went over to the counter and added about a cup of sugar then to the fridge and added some flavored creamer. He walk over to Tobi.

Deidara: What, un?

Tobi jumped up and down waving his hands.

Tobi: Tobi needs condoms so he doesn't have a baby!!!!!!

Deidara just stared at him and took a long sip of his coffee.

Deidara:Do you have a girl friend, un?

Tobi: No but Tobi doesn't want to have a baby!! Tobi needs condoms!!!

Deidara: If you don't have a girlfriend you don't need condoms, un?

Tobi: Why does Tobi need to have a girlfriend to have condoms?

Deidara: Tobi it is too early in the morning to deal with you,un?... Ask me later and I might tell you when I'm actually awake,un?

Deidara went back up to his room to finish his coffee in peace. Tobi was a little hard to take this early in the morning. He was always too hyper and needed to know answers to different crazy stupid questions and didn't stop bugging until you gave him a good answer. This was one of those mornings. Tobi wanted condoms but what did girls have to do anything with it? He wondered but went to the cupboard to get a bowl and his favorite cereal. Cap'n Crunch. Some times it hurt his gums to eat this cereal but he just loved the sea Capitan that smiled at him on the box while he ate. He was in the middle of his bowl when Kisame walked in to get something to drink.

Tobi: Kisame! Tobi needs condoms do you have any?!?!

Kisame: WHAT?!? ( He looked stunned at him)

Tobi: Tobi needs condoms! So Tobi doesn't have a baby! Do you have any?

Kisame: Uuhhhh y... why do you want to know?

Tobi:Kisame if you don't have condoms your going to have a baby!

Kisame: What are you talking about Tobi?

Tobi: You need to have condoms to protect your self from having a baby! You need to have them at all times!!!

Kisame: Uhhh oookay. So you want to carry around condoms?

Tobi: Yes! Tobi has no time for a baby!

Kisame:Alright next time I go get groceries I'll buy you some.

Tobi: But Tobi needs them now!

Kisame: Are you sleeping with someone?

Tobi: Yes! Tobi is.

Kisame: Yah, who?

Tobi: You know I always sleep with my Glo-Worm teddy!

Kisame laughed and then looked at Tobi then laughed harder at Tobi. But Tobi had no idea why Kisame was laughing at him or why Kisame wanted to know who slept in Tobi's bed. Everyone knew he couldn't sleep without his Glo-Worm! Deidara asked if he had a girlfriend. Why was no one giving him condoms. He might just end up with a baby soon!

Kisame: Are you worried that your Glo-Worm might have babies?

Tobi: Oh no Glo-worm is going to need some condoms too! Would if he has a baby! Kisame you need condoms too!

Tobi ran upstairs to go see if Glo-Worm had a baby. And to his relief there was no baby to be found in Tobi's bed! Kisame just laughed at him he would have to ask some one else for some! He sat down and hugged his Glo-worm.

Tobi: Don't worry Glo-worm we'll get some condoms from some one soon.

But who? He thought of who he should ask next. Hummmm well Sassori had alot of stuff Tobi didn't know what he used for and he was always busy. So Sassori had no time for a baby he must have condoms then! Tobi jumped up and ran to Sassori's bedroom. He was a puppet and didn't really need sleep so he should be awake! Tobi knocked on his door.

Tobi: Sassori it's me Tobi! I need some thing from you!

Sassori: What do you need now Tobi?

Tobi: Condoms!!!

Sassori: I don't have any. I'm a puppet! Puppet's create children out of wood. I have no use for them go ask some one else!

Tobi: Are you sure? Would if you had a puppet baby!

Sassori: That's just stupid Tobi! I'm not creating a puppet baby!

Tobi: Then you do have condoms!

Sassori: Tobi I don't have any condoms!

Tobi: Fine when Tobi gets some Tobi will give you some too!

Sassori: I don't want any Tobi! Just leave me alone!

Tobi went back down stairs and sat down to watch PBS kids. He liked all the shows the played and they were always so entertaining for his child mind. He saw Hidan watching Spike T.V. instead. (the manly station). Tobi decided to ask him but then he saw Kakuzu sitting at the table reading the stock report drinking coffee. Kakuzu absolutely hates kids! Everyone of them and of all ages! He's old and didn't have children so he must have condoms for sure! Tobi ran up to him and sat down in a chair across from him. Kakuzu didn't even look up, he knew Tobi was there.

Kakuzu: Tobi what do you want?

Tobi:Tobi needs your condoms!!!

Kakuzu put down the paper fast and looked at him annoyed.

Kakuzu: Why the hell do you need condoms?

Tobi: So Tobi doesn't have a baby!

Kakuzu:What?! Stop being an idiot Tobi go bother someone else.

Tobi: Do you have any children?

Kakuzu: I'm over 150 years old! I don't know! You know all men have needs! Okay maybe you don't but no I don't have condoms!

Tobi: Why not?

Kakuzu: Do you know how much they cost?! Alot!!! I'm not spending that kind of money just to get it on! I'll take the chance of having a kid!

Tobi: Get what on?

Kakuzu: Tobi go ask someone else! Do you know what there even used for?

Tobi: Yes to keep you from having a baby! So if you don't ever buy any you must have lots of babies!

Kakuzu: Get out of here and leave me alone!

Kakuzu stood up and towered over the man child and glared! Tobi took this as a sign to get out of the money hungry man's face or Tobi was going to get hurt. Last time he made the old man mad Kakuzu tied him to a chair and made him watch Marlyn Manson video's for three hours! Tobi couldn't sleep for a week! Then everyone was mad at Kakuzu because Tobi kept asking if they had man boobies like Mr. Manson and touched their chests to make sure they didn't! Konan thought that was hilarious until Tobi touched her chest. She hit him over the head with a book a couple of times and then Pein threatened to kill him if he ever did that again! Tobi went back to the living room but only found Itachi sitting in the corner reading one of his many books. This one was called "You killed your clan now what?". a self help guide. Tobi walked up to the Uchiha and was careful of what words he used in fear of being sent into one of many hell's the psycho kept in his head.

Tobi: Good morning Itachi! Sorry to bother you but I just have to ask you one question.

Itachi:No! Just because I don't date does not mean I have man boobies we've been over this 10x's already.

Tobi: Okay. But that is not what Tobi wanted to ask you!

Itachi lowered his book and looked at the man boy not looking to pleased.

Itachi:What do you want? And it better be good!

Tobi: Tobi just wants to know if you have any condoms Tobi can have so he doesn't have a baby!

Itachi: Uhhh, hhuuuhhh. I don't date so I don't have any use for them.

Tobi:But you might have a baby!

Itachi: I want to restore my clan ,so yes. In the future I will have children but first I have to torture my little brother for no apparent reason because it annoys him and makes him hate me all the more. He's so pathetic and weak he should use condoms. I wouldn't want to have weak nephews and nieces running around with the Uchiha name. Yes that's it next time I see him and fight him, I will give him lots and lots of condoms!! Tobi your a genius!

With that he left to go upstairs to his room. Leaving Tobi very, very ,very, very, confused! So Itachi didn'y use condoms because he wanted to have babies but he didn't want his brother to have babies so he was going to get him alot of condoms! well that made sense maybe Tobi was on to something. So far the only person who might have some was Kisame. But he didn't give Tobi some so he must be scared that he was going to have a baby too. Zetsu was outside in the garden watering the plants, flowers, vegetables and whatever else he kept there. Tobi asked him self Zetsu talked to his plants and called them his children and babies some times. So he would not have any but hey it was worth checking out.

Tobi: Zetsu! Tobi wants to know if you have any condoms?!

Zetsu white: Condoms?!? Why do you want condoms?!?

Zetsu black: Maybe he finally found his balls and is putting them to good use!

Zetsu white: Don't talk to the boy like that he's just a little slow.

Zetsu black: He makes retarded chimp's look intelligent!

Zetsu white:Not in front of the boy! Wait until he leaves!

Tobi just stood there and looked at his mentor with his head tilted a bit.

Tobi:Tobi thinks it's funny when Zetsu talk to Zetsu! Just like Pein! Hehe

Zetsu white: I don't have any condoms Tobi your just going to have to ask one of the others.

Zetsu black: In other words we don't get laid!

Zetsu white: Not in front of the boy!

Tobi: So you don't have any?

Zetsu white: No I don't.

Tobi: Okay see you later Zetsu and Zetsu!

So he was right and Zetsu didn't have any condoms. So who would he ask next? He went back inside and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for someone to walk in that he hasn't already talked to. Deidara came and washed out his coffee jug. Tobi ran to his side.

Tobi: Can you give me some condoms now?!?

Deidara: I would, if it ment you never ever reproduced ever I would, un?! But right now I don't have any or have any use for them. Right now I don't have a girlfriend,( fan girls he's single!), and I am not worried about having a child with someone. So far nobody is worthy of that task.

Tobi: Would if you have a baby and you don't have someone?

Deidara: That's just called jerking off and no you can't have babies that way. And if you could do you how many babies Hidan would have, un?

Tobi: No how many?

Deidara: I don't want to think about it the man gets an erection every time he cuts himself up,un? So no I don't have any and if I did it would be because I stole it from Kisame's secret stash,un?

Tobi: Kisame said he'd buy me some when he goes shopping next!

Deidara: Then why are you asking people if you could have theirs just wait until you get your own ,un?

Tobi:But I want them right now!

Deidara: Whatever then, Just leave me out of your weirdness for once, un?

Deidara went back to the living room to watch some T.V. he flipped through he channels and landed on the home shopping network and watched an infomercial about The Mega Coffee Bean Grinder 2000!! Tobi still had some others he could go question to see if they had some condoms! Deidara mentioned that Hidan but like Zetsu Tobi knew that he most likely wouldn't have any but it was worth another shot right? Tobi went upstairs to Hidan's room. He knocked on the door.

Hidan: WTF do you want? You know I'm busy praying to Jashin! You fucked up heathens never understand! That's why your fucked up heathens! Seriously!

Tobi: sorry Hidan but Tobi just wants to know if you have any condoms?!?

Hidan:WTF?!?! Condoms?!?!?!

Tobi: Condoms! So Tobi doesn't have a baby!

Hidan swung the door open and grabbed the man boy by the front of the shirt and made him sit on his bed. Hidan was half covered in blood and had 5 stab wounds on his body that were fresh. He stood in front of Tobi and looked stern.

Hidan: Why do you want condoms Tobi?

Tobi: So Tobi doesn't have any babies!

Hidan: But you need condoms?

Tobi: Yes Tobi does!

Hidan: Let me tell you my fucked up little child minded friend what Jashin fucking believes in! He believes that all impure thoughts are evil! And you should repent to him for forgiveness, when you do have these thoughts! Women are evil vessel of lust and uncleanliness! They make themselves like a drug so you become addicted to them. I was once addicted to women and had tons of them! But I found my way! The only way! the Jashin way! We look at women already innocents taken as lower then dirt and pure woman as a pure goddess that we must sacrifice to almighty Jashin! You don't need fucking condoms if you have Jashin with you!

Tobi:So you don't have any condoms?

Hidan:No I have Jashin! For fuck sakes you little dip shit don't you listen?

Tobi:Does Jashin have condoms?

Hidan: Fuck No!!! Women are unclean and fucking evil! He doesn't fucking go near them!

Tobi: But you give him women sacrifices? So yes he does have women near him! He must have condoms!!!

Hidan: Fucktard were you even God Damn listening to anything I was fucking saying to you?!? No he doesn't have condoms and that's final!!! Shit your a bastard heathen!!!! No condoms got it?!?!? Jashin doesn't use fucking condoms!!!!

Tobi: Oh, no if he doesn't then he's going to have a baby!

That was it! That was all the Jashinist could stand of Tobi for today and grabbed him by the front of his shirt and opened his bedroom door and threw him out! Tobi hit the wall face first and slowly slid down until he was on the ground!

Hidan: Get the fuck out of my room you fucking pumpkin headed basted heathen and stay out!!!!

Tobi just got up and fixed his mask. Wow he was right Hidan didn't have any condoms! And either did Jashin! So there was only two more people he could ask. Well only one really. Pein would just shrug him off and tell him to go talk to Konan like always did. To his luck Pein was coming down the hallway.

Tobi: Pein do you have any condoms? Tobi needs some so he doesn't have a baby!

Pein just turned and looked at him.

Pein: No I don't that's Konan's responsibility and department. Ask her. (Yes they do do it)

Tobi: Okay do you know where she is?

Pein: In our bedroom.

Tobi: Thank you Pein. Tobi is going to go see Konan!!!

Tobi ran down the hall and knocked on the door. Konan answered.

Tobi: Konan it's me Tobi!!!

Konan: Yes Tobi know how may I help you?

Tobi: Tobi needs condoms!

Konan: Oh and why's that?

Tobi: So Tobi doesn't have any babies!

Konan: Huh? Did you ask any of the others for any?

Tobi: Tobi asked everyone and no one gave Tobi condoms! And they just confused Tobi even more! I don't have time to have a baby!

Tobi ranted and waved hid hands up in the air. Konan was used to it, like everyone else was well it just that Tobi was Tobi and acted like Tobi!

Konan:Tobi calm down and sit! So what did the others do to confuse you?

Tobi: TheysaidsocrazythingsandTobistilldoesn'thaveanycondoms!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Konan:Slow down and think about what they said.

It took a moment for Tobi to think of what they did say.

Tobi: Well Deidara said no one was worthy enough for him to have a baby and Hidan jerks off.

And Kisame just laughed at Tobi and said Glo-worm might have a baby too. But Tobi checked and nope no baby.

And Itachi wants to give his little brother some condoms next time they fight so Sasuke doesn't have babies.

And Sassori said he didn't have any so Tobi said if he got some he'd give Sassori some so he didn't have a puppet baby.

And Kakuzu said there was no way he'd buy any because there to expensive and was willing to take that chance.

And Zetsu said Zetsu doesn't get laid so he didn't have any.

And Hidan said he didn't use any because women are unclean and Jashin didn't have any either but likes virgin sacrifices.

And Pein said it was your responsibility and department and to go ask you.

Konan: Really Pein said that?

Tobi just nodded.

Konan: Well then it won't be my responsibility or department for Pein for the next 2 weeks! We'll see how he feels then!

Tobi: So do you have any condoms?

Konan:Tobi do you know how to use a condom?

Tobi: Yes you carry it around with you and if someone tries to give you a baby then you give it to them!

Konan: Tobi not even close. Come sit down I have some thing to discuss with you and it's going to take a while. This is a grown up conversation that every child has to hear from another adult that they trust. And unfortunately I'm that person around here. So I think it's about time you know the truth. Are you ready?

Tobi nodded confused and excited at the same time.

Time pasted and Tobi came out bouncing happily and went down stairs to see mostly everyone watching T.V., including Pein who always got to hold the remote. Hey he is the leader. And they were all watching Konoah's Most Wanted! Which always had them in it plus it gave them information of who was trying to steal their spot light. Tobi went to the kitchen to get something to eat. Konan sat down beside Pein and he put his arm around her and she snuggled into him.

Pein: So problem solved?

Konan: Yes it is. No thanks to any of the rest of you!

The guys chuckled they knew what she was talking about.

Pein: What did you say to him?

Konan:What does that matter?

Pein: I'm the leader I should know.

Konan: Well I talked to him about the truth and lost him half way through so I stopped.

Pein: And?

Konan: And I told him I'd but him a new Mega Tron Transformer toy, Deidara blew up his last one, as long as any of us didn't have to hear him say Condom ever again. And then I gave him all mine!

Pein turned his head and looked slightly angered and stunned.

Pein:What?!? Why did you do that?!?

Konan just stayed calm and shrugged.

Konan: I don't like my responsibility and department anymore so Tobi's taking over. Now you have to ask him for one!

Konan smiled sweetly at Pein and he glared at her and shook his head. She knew he wasn't to pleased and it was amusing her.

Konan: Well I'm going to take a nap so Pein you can stay down here with the boys. Unless you go ask Tobi something!

Konan went back upstairs. Pein was deciding if he really wanted to or not. But after a couple of minutes the man's hormones over took and he got up and handed the remote to Kakuzu. He went to the kitchen to ask Tobi the one question he was asking all day!

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX THE ENDXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

**I really hope you liked it it took me forever!! I worked on it for like a week and a half!! But it came out good!! So for the love of everything Holy! Use ****Condom Sense ****and REVIEW THIS PLEASE:) **(play on common sense) LOL!!!

I was going to put all three stories together and call them Tobi Tales but then some people might miss them if they were all together but maybe in the future I will do it. I started all three stories and then just left them alone but decided to come back to them. And I did finally and I'm done for now with them!!!!! YAY!!!!! But here's the other Tobi Tales stories.

The other stories: **Tobi's Toilet Trouble **and **Tobi Meets Ibiki**

**Remember if you want to be in a Tobi story to review with the right amount of ****condoms**** used! **

**LOL I just had to phrase it that way! LOL :)**


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